Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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