Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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