Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
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