so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
