I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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