I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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