my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize