Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You took a bar mat shot.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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