we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
