We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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