Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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