You really coming over, don't trick.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
