looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
