omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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