dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
