I have demons in me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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