Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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