I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
