You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
