i just google imaged poop.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just blew my weed a kiss
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
