I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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