I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize