I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
