community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
