Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
