That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
