you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
