I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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