i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
