Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
