1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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