i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
