Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
