I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize