I hate all girls vehemently.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
