Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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