Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
