i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize