i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
