the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
