she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
