On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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