There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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