WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
