Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
