If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
