never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
