I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
