that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
