Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
