The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
