She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
