no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
