I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
