smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
