something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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