I can text with my tongue
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
worst night to have a conscience
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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