This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
