there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
