hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
