We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
someone owes me an orgasm
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I didn't notice because vodka
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
