My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
