I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize