My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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