Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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