Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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