based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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