Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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