his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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