I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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