I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
