I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
