I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
