i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
