Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
