I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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