mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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