yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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