you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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