3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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