Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
