Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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