Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
