He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
